I made a mistake….
It’s not the first time those words were buzzing in my head, but the process is always the same.
I give myself a mental beatdown. My mom always said I am WAY more harder on myself than anyone could ever be toward me, but that doesn’t make me feel better or the feelings easier to let go.
I let someone down….
It’s not that I am so wrapped up in what others think of me, but I am crushed by the thought of letting someone down.
If there is one word that is my achilles tendon, it is integrity. I could be criticized for many things, but to be doubted of my intention, will haunt me to no end.
I was indirectly questioned of my authenticity recently, by someone who knows me well and felt so insulted by it. It was about my work, my voice, my truth.
How dare they? I felt betrayed. but I felt firm and resolute, because I knew my heart and my truth.
Shortly after on a completely separate and unrelated incident, I was called out on some work I did that had a big error in it.
I made a mistake, an purely unintentional mistake, and this time my integrity is doubted. I am crushed that I let others down in such a huge way and it may cost me irrevocably.
How can I recover this time, when it’s not just my words in my head beating me up, but someone called out my mistake?
One word is my grace, intention.
All my life, I often prayed over my work, using a form of the scripture, I Chronicles 28.9:
And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. (NIV)
I always believed, that my intention was my grace, and GOD knew my heart’s intention. Even when the ground was crumbling below my feet in times of strife (which it has many, many times), that as long as God knew my heart, I could bear the weight of holding myself firm.
My heart=My intention
But this time, I am feeling shaky, and it’s harder to hold my chin up. Even when I know my heart was true in the midst of my mistake, I still beat myself up instead of letting this pass.
My daughter walks in as I am in the middle of trying to resolve the situation and sees me weeping and distraught. She leaves and comes back with a drawing of a fairy trapped in a jar she just drew from one of her favorite Tinkerbell movies. I am too preoccupied to see how beautifully wise she is. She is trying to rescue me.
Later, I remembered a quote from one of my favorite films, Scent of a Woman.
“No mistakes in the tango, darling, not like life. It’s simple. That’s what makes the tango so great. If you make a mistake, get all tangled up, just tango on. —Lt. Col. Frank Slade
Emma checks on me later and sings “Don’t Worry, Be Happy'” by Bob Marley.
She is my greatest teacher, and now I want to cry at letting her down.
Before her I could be in this inner turmoil until I could bring myself back to solid ground. But now, as her mommy, I have to suck it up and move on, my heart open to GOD as it had before the mistake and tango on.
to be continued……