I made a mistake….

It’s not the first time those words were buzzing in my head, but the process is always the same.

I give myself a mental beatdown. My mom always said I am WAY more harder on myself than anyone could ever be toward me, but that doesn’t make me feel better or the feelings easier to let go.

I let someone down….

It’s not that I am so wrapped up in what others think of me, but I am crushed by the thought of letting someone down.

If there is one word that is my achilles tendon, it is integrity. I could be criticized for many things, but to be doubted of my intention, will haunt me to no end.

I was indirectly questioned of my authenticity recently, by someone who knows me well and felt so insulted by it. It was about my work, my voice, my truth.

How dare they? I felt betrayed. but I felt firm and resolute, because I knew my heart and my truth.

Shortly after on a completely separate and unrelated incident, I was called out on some work I did that had a big error in it.

I made a mistake, an purely unintentional mistake, and this time my integrity is doubted. I am crushed that I let others down in such a huge way and it may cost me irrevocably.

How can I recover this time, when it’s not just my words in my head beating me up, but someone called out my mistake?

One word is my grace, intention.

All my life, I often prayed over my work, using a form of the scripture, I Chronicles 28.9:

And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. (NIV)

I always believed, that my intention was my grace, and GOD knew my heart’s intention. Even when the ground was crumbling below my feet in times of strife (which it has many, many times), that as long as God knew my heart, I could bear the weight of holding myself firm.

My heart=My intention

But this time, I am feeling shaky, and it’s harder to hold my chin up. Even when I know my heart was true in the midst of my mistake, I still beat myself up instead of letting this pass.

My daughter walks in as I am in the middle of trying to resolve the situation and sees me weeping and distraught. She leaves and comes back with a drawing of a fairy trapped in a jar she just drew from one of her favorite Tinkerbell movies. I am too preoccupied to see how beautifully wise she is. She is trying to rescue me.

Later, I remembered a quote from one of my favorite films, Scent of a Woman.

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“No mistakes in the tango, darling, not like life. It’s simple. That’s what makes the tango so great. If you make a mistake, get all tangled up, just tango on. —Lt. Col. Frank Slade

Emma checks on me later and sings “Don’t Worry, Be Happy'” by Bob Marley.

She is my greatest teacher, and now I want to cry at letting her down.

Before her I could be in this inner turmoil until I could bring myself back to solid ground. But now, as her mommy, I have to suck it up and move on, my heart open to GOD as it had before the mistake and tango on.

to be continued……

One thing I love best about my Mr. is his encouragement I always cultivate my passions. In a previous post I shared my love of film and how amazing it is to enjoy cinema in our dedicated home theater, especially with our Punkn’. But, oh, how I would love once in a while to watch more than the latest Tinkerbell adventure (which by the way are awesome)—something shall we say, a little more offbeat?

My answer is Film Club 3.0, a local community of fellow cinema fans for the indie and foreign films that make all proud nerds stand up and shout Hell Yeah! Ahh, my kindreds! Movies featured at Film Club 3.0 are shown at our local Alamo Drafthouse in Winchester, VA. This week I had a double dip of Wes Anderson—The Royal Tennenbaums and an early release of The Grand Budapest Hotel.

RT

I’ve been to three screenings this month, and I’m hooked. My Mr. has sat patiently through all the 1940s B & W films, a post war Yasujiro Ozu classic, and more indie flicks than he would care to admit. But there is something about enjoying the cinema experience with kindreds who just get it about passion for film. Who knows how many are introverts like me, who love the camaraderie, without the high octane chit chat of other social gatherings. We love, I mean LOVE film, and enjoying film in each others company is wonderful, making a connection that could lead to a deep friendship— is divine.

If you would like to delve deeper into film, seek out your local theater that plays indie films and try out one you might not have watched.

Here is a video created by Jonathon Keogh, based on Steven Jay Schneider’s incredible book series, 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die.

Ciao for now,

-taraocity

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Here comes the desert island question:

If you were stranded on a deserted island and had battery power on your laptop to watch just four movies, what would they be?

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